See this picture? This is how I feel inside when I find myself in certain situations.
And it makes me so darn frustrated!
Last night I attended a meeting with other church-going folks. All the people who were there are kind and loving people. There is no reason I should have been shut up in an inner cage.
It wasn't the other people.
It was me.
Here is what happened. Someone asked us to share how God had been working in our lives this past week. Others shared some good things.
Then I shared. I love to share what God is doing. He's always working. Man, I think I see His provision daily -- plenty of times I've seen it happen miraculously. That is what I wanted to share -- God's miraculous provision.
Two days ago my horses ate the last of their hay that morning. I didn't know where I could get more. I have no physical means to get any. I asked God to please provide hay for my horses. Hay is scarce this year because of the drought. People I could routinely get hay from don't have any to spare. So, I had no clue who to call. I had no idea where to get some.
Well, by 2 p.m. a local man with his tractor delivered two bales (big round ones) for my horses and actually set them down in perfect spots.
God did that! He cares for all our creatures. He made them. It was exciting. It still is exciting to me because it was a miracle.
The second miracle that I shared was Shannon getting free tuition at the college. There is a program in South Dakota that allows certain veterans to get free tuition at state colleges. We just found out about it last week. I was only able to get the paperwork in the mail last Thursday. It had to go to the Veterans Administration in Sioux Falls and back before it can be used. Today, tuition has to be paid. Government agencies can work very slowly. I said to myself and to anyone who would listen that if it came back in time it would truly be a miracle.
And it did!
When I shared these things no one said anything.
That didn't mean anything. Maybe they were silently thinking, Wow, that's cool.
I took it as a criticism of me being ridiculous and silly and lost all freedom to speak from then on (oh, I tried. I shared some scripture but each time my perspective of everything was so screwed up by then that I couldn't wait for the meeting to be over).
I guess I am used to my children, local kids and some of my other friends sharing my enthusiasm verbally when God comes through. I must have been looking for that and since I didn't get it I was toast.
Sometimes I just hate how I am. I know I'm not supposed to. But shouldn't a 44 year old woman be past these kinds of feelings?
I am so darn inadequate.
But then, I guess we all are. Why am I surprised when I experience that inadequacy.
I'll leave you with two scriptures:
"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
And it makes me so darn frustrated!
Last night I attended a meeting with other church-going folks. All the people who were there are kind and loving people. There is no reason I should have been shut up in an inner cage.
It wasn't the other people.
It was me.
Here is what happened. Someone asked us to share how God had been working in our lives this past week. Others shared some good things.
Then I shared. I love to share what God is doing. He's always working. Man, I think I see His provision daily -- plenty of times I've seen it happen miraculously. That is what I wanted to share -- God's miraculous provision.
Two days ago my horses ate the last of their hay that morning. I didn't know where I could get more. I have no physical means to get any. I asked God to please provide hay for my horses. Hay is scarce this year because of the drought. People I could routinely get hay from don't have any to spare. So, I had no clue who to call. I had no idea where to get some.
Well, by 2 p.m. a local man with his tractor delivered two bales (big round ones) for my horses and actually set them down in perfect spots.
God did that! He cares for all our creatures. He made them. It was exciting. It still is exciting to me because it was a miracle.
The second miracle that I shared was Shannon getting free tuition at the college. There is a program in South Dakota that allows certain veterans to get free tuition at state colleges. We just found out about it last week. I was only able to get the paperwork in the mail last Thursday. It had to go to the Veterans Administration in Sioux Falls and back before it can be used. Today, tuition has to be paid. Government agencies can work very slowly. I said to myself and to anyone who would listen that if it came back in time it would truly be a miracle.
And it did!
When I shared these things no one said anything.
That didn't mean anything. Maybe they were silently thinking, Wow, that's cool.
I took it as a criticism of me being ridiculous and silly and lost all freedom to speak from then on (oh, I tried. I shared some scripture but each time my perspective of everything was so screwed up by then that I couldn't wait for the meeting to be over).
I guess I am used to my children, local kids and some of my other friends sharing my enthusiasm verbally when God comes through. I must have been looking for that and since I didn't get it I was toast.
Sometimes I just hate how I am. I know I'm not supposed to. But shouldn't a 44 year old woman be past these kinds of feelings?
I am so darn inadequate.
But then, I guess we all are. Why am I surprised when I experience that inadequacy.
I'll leave you with two scriptures:
"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
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