Nothing was said or done that was surprising but on the way home I cried a lot. I was quite pathetic.
The outcome of the future tests will be mean one of three things for my issues: manageable, serious or "Jane It is all in your head again!"
The possible serious diagnosis didn't bother me. Neither did the manageable one. What brought me waves of tears was the head thing (to clarify -- the doctors didn't say this stuff about it all being in my head -- that is all on me).
I again came face to face with the part of me I just can't accept: my brain.
I don't always have a problem with it. If it behaves the way I want it to, if it stays within its boundaries and doesn't make a peep, I will live with it. I still don't like it but if it does what I tell it to I am fine. I don't acknowledge it. I don't love it. I just live with it by ignoring it.
How can a person ignore a brain????
The brain is what controls all our functions.
But it has been the weakest part of me in my estimation my entire life.
I don't trust it.
I'm afraid one day it will just give out on me.
Once I had breakdown. My brain got overloaded. I couldn't handle life. Other times my brain betrayed me, failing me.
Can you see what the problem here is?
Look at all those "I"s.
Fast forward to what I read this morning:
"The woman said to Him (Jesus), 'Sir, You have nothing to draw [water] with, and the well is deep'" John 4:11
Oswald Chambers writes, "Our misgivings begin within ourselves when we tell Jesus that our circumstances are just a little too difficult for Him. We say, 'It's easy to say, 'Turst in the Lord,' but a person has to live; and besides, Jesus has nothing with which to draw water -- no means to be able to give us these things.'
"My misgivings arise from the fact that i search within to find how He will do what He says. My doubts spring from the depths of my own inferiority."
I often wonder why God gave me the brain He gave me. I even want to tell Him He was wrong.
But God is NEVER wrong.
And if the weak part of me was created by Him then there is a reason and a very good reason and it is also the area He can shine through.
"Where I am weak He is strong."