I've been a pastor's wife for almost 3 years now. And I've learned something: I'm not a very good Christian.
The last two nights I've had trouble going to sleep. And when it takes me hours to fall asleep I get irritated. So I woke up a bit irritation that I didn't get all the sleep I wanted. And God put a verse into my head from Proverbs 20:13: "Do not love sleep."
Ha ha. And yet I do love sleep. I asked God to help me get over myself. I think "myself" is the biggest thing standing in my way to being what God wants me to be.
And my praying is sporadic. Some days I pray a lot. Other days I pray a little. And I just gotta believe the prayers I pray are effective because I have no clue if they are or not. There's power in prayer but I rarely feel any power.
I am rereading a book series about Margaret of Ashbury by Judith Merkle Riley. The first book is called "A Vision of Light." I love Margaret! She's like a friend (another indication I'm not a very good Christian because a lot of my friends are characters from books). In the first book she is healed miraculously from the plague (books take place in the middle ages). And one day when she's walking around a town basically empty of people because of the plague she finds herself in a small chapel. While sitting there she hears God's voice and she gets a glow about her. She has her vision of light. This light ends up being able to heal others (though it drains Margaret). She herself never says she's a good Christian. She just does her best in life, and sometimes she gets to see people healed.
I don't have the healing gift but I wish I did. That would be like dramatic and exciting.
Instead I change diapers all day and pray sporadically through the day (and lately wait for spring to show up).
I'm also not a good Christian because I spend most of my time at home doing house stuff and taking care of my family. I'm not out there evangelizing or preaching or going door to door -- though as a pastor's wife I wonder if I should be. For some reason we've come to think that pastors and their wives are holier or more obligated to share the Word. Neither of these thoughts are true. We all are supposed to share the Word and Jesus and live lives that honor God.
But then again a verse comes to mind presently. Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4:11, "and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you;"
I'm sure glad we are saved by believing in Jesus Christ and not by what we do. I'd fail utterly.
It's amazing when God uses us to touch others. I think of all the time in the Bible between verses. What was going on? People were living their lives. People were eating and sleeping, having babies, burying their dead, building houses, getting sick, celebrating birthdays and holy days.
Maybe that's what we're supposed to do -- just live our lives and be available to be used when God chooses to use us. A pot isn't anxious to be used. It just sits on the shelf until the owner picks it up to cook soup in it for supper. But if there has been no need for soup the pot might have sat on the shelf for months doing nothing.
Are we like that?
I'm doing a Beth Moore study right now about the Thessalonian letters. What a wonderful writer and Bible teacher Moore is. It's called Children of the Day and part of the premise is that we take God's light with us wherever we go.
I guess our aim in life shouldn't be to be good Christians. It should be just to follow Jesus where He leads. Leave the good part to Him. Even Jesus says only God is good.
Well, it's time to feed a few horses (do you want one -- we've got some for sale) and time to get the family moving to church (and oh, I better practice a few hymns just in case I'm playing).
You're loved. I'm loved.
Maybe that's enough.