Feelings are so unpredictable. We really ought not plan our days or make any decisions based on feelings. Well, you can make a decision about what to eat or something like that. I am on a medication that has worked really well for me, but lately it has a side effect that I'm struggling with. It makes me drowsy. I told my husband today that I'm going to skip the dosage for tomorrow and Sunday to see if I am right about it being the meds (he got a scared look in his eyes because Jane off of medication isn't a pretty sight). If it is I guess I'll see if taking it at a different time will help. I sure hope so. I hate being drowsy. Even though part of me would like to sometimes, I can't spend my days in bed. It's hard to focus on stuff. I had a discussion today with someone in the gas station I hadn't seen for a while. I'm afraid I might have looked a bit loony.
It helps so much when we know things we deal with are being dealt with or have been dealt with by other people. A person I love is presently being overwhelmed with life. I wish I could help. I pray for the person. I do my best to encourage the person, but I know the real change has to come from within that person. Only the Holy Spirit can enter that place and make a change. I pray for that (please pray for that for my loved one).
I'm reading a book called The Professor and the Madman: a tale of Murder, Insanity, and the making of the Oxford English Dictionary. It isn't what I expected at all, but it is very interesting. I just read about Samuel Johnson writing a very good dictionary and while he did this over a period of six years he barred himself in a set of rented rooms so his creditors couldn't get at him. He called it his fortress. Johnson ended up being very successful so it turned out well for him, but for some reason reading about his creditors gives me a bit of comfort -- comfort in that despite how technology has changed over the years, people deal with the same problems they have for hundreds of years.
My youngest daughter asked if I had an imaginary friend when I was a child. I was far too serious to have an imaginary friend. Yet, once I started a diary with the words "Dear Kitty." Someone found it and made fun of me. Kitty wasn't a real person. I got it from The Diary of Anne Frank -- that's how she started her diary entries. But being made fun was enough for me to quit that practice (I wish I hadn't -- would love to have diaries from my childhood).
Yesterday I was gone most of the day and much of the evening. I wonder sometimes what the house is like when I'm not around. I asked Shannon. He said, "It's boring." Boring? He said I add excitement to the family dynamic which is odd for me to think about because I am just me. But I guess he thinks I have an excitement kind of vibe. Do you ever wonder what your places you inhabit are like when you're not around? There's really no way to know.
According to my youngest daughter I changed and never changed back when my middle daughter died March 21, 2013. I guess I changed some. You can't help it. When you deal grief it will change you. When you lose someone so close to you it will change you. But despite that I think I'm back to what I was before except maybe I'm a bit more tired. But my daughter seems to think I always use to be fun and crazy. Kids remember things differently than adults do. I still have my fun and crazy moments, but they are finite amounts of time (they were before Maggie died too).
Like I said this medication is making me drowsy. It's like I'm two people -- the one I usually am who is in front of my eyes and the one behind my eyes who just wants to sleep (though sleep doesn't seem to appear even when I try).
A friend is recovering from sugery. She's hard on herself because she thought this time would be a great time to study her Bible and pray. Yet, her pain medications are affecting her brain in ways that make reading and concentration difficult. It's temporary but sometimes we get caught up in the temporary and think it is permanent.
On the way home last night I heard Dr. Charles Stanely on the radio. He was talking about Joseph. One of the points he brought up was that the darkness we walk through or are living in presently will only be as long as necessary. God will take that darkness away immediately after it is no longer necessary. He also said we learn a lot more in the dark than in the light (spiritually that is).