A lot of it is painful and uncomfortable -- for the person and for people who love that person.
Every cell inside us must be reworked, restored, rewired when we lose a loved one. And if that loved one lost was very close to us, part of our daily lives, part of us, then a lot of restoration has to take place.
"He restores my soul." Psalm 23:3a
If we let God do this work in His way He will restore our souls. If we work with His process, we will be whole again.
And honestly I am doing very well. I know where Maggie is (heaven) and I know she is happy and joyful and oh so alive.
But then a wave of grief washes over me out of nowhere.
Saturday morning I was practicing at the church (I play the piano for service). When I got home one of those waves just hit me.
It often begins with me being exhausted in a way that isn't physical. Thankfully, Saturday was absolutely beautiful here in central South Dakota.
I got out a lawn chair -- the kind you can recline in with your feet up -- and wrapped myself in a couple of Maggie's blankets and had a talk with Jesus and cried some.
God was there as He always is.
In fact, not long after I get a call from a friend. She asked if she could come over for a bit. When she came over we sat in her car and talked.
She said, "Jesus asked me to come talk with my friend Jane."
Friday I took a trip to Wal-mart. Wal-mart is usually exhausting for me physically because of its size and because of my RA.
But Friday's trip was exhausting because of all the hugs. People who I hadn't seen since Maggie died came up to me and said they were sorry and how much they loved her. One woman gave me a gift card to help with our groceries. It was an outpouring of love, and I wouldn't have changed it at all, but it is as if I have a gaping wound in my chest that I have covered with a bandage. And with each hug it gets torn off again. You can't ignore it. The words must be said. The hugs must be given but my "I'm doing great" state gets shaken up again and once again I fall.
But it is okay. It is part of God's healing process.
For when I fall, Jesus catches me and it's okay.