The Mad Hatter's Song
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
Last night I lay in bed unable to sleep. My mind was swirling and swirling with thoughts and what-ifs, the kind of what-ifs that bring tears to a mother's eyes. My son Hawk was sick, so very sick. His temperatures have reached almost 105 degrees. And last night I was sure he would have to have his appendix out today.
I know this is a routine surgery but to have him put under for something that could go so wrong, brought all the thoughts of 13 years back to mind. Since he was five months old we haven't known why his health is the way it is. Why does he have seizure upon seizure daily? Why is his skills no more than an infant's? Why is his brilliant mind trapped inside a fragile body?
Most days it is no big deal. We all live with the unknown. We just put it out of our minds. We don't dwell on that fact (and we shouldn't for if we think too much we can end up paralyzing ourselves with fear).
But last night I thought, what if this is it? What if I'm going to lose him now?
I crawled into bed with him (and our dog Zeko -- Zeko slept with Hawken the last two nights. He sleeps with anyone in the family he feels needs him). I kissed his cheek once, twice, three times. I put my arm around him. I kissed him a again.
(Honestly, I don't have favorites with my kids. They are all my favorites, but with Hawk it is like we've had a fragile baby for 13 years.Think how you felt when you held your infant -- I've felt that way for 13 years and it just gets deeper every year. He is like the covering of my heart.)
We went to the doctor today (second time this week) and it turns out he just has a bad respiratory infection. He has open sores in his mouth and open sores on his face. His head hurts. His body is in pain. He's on medication and will soon be fine.
And then another what-if swirled through my mind on the way home.
I asked a doctor once, when Hawk was two years old, how I would know when his life was giving out.
She said he'd start having a lot of respiratory infections.
This is the first infection Hawk has had for years. Actually, the only other time he had an infection was when his Vagus Nerve Stimulator got infected and had to be taken out. That was due to bacteria entering his body during surgery. Never has he had an infection just because he got sick.
So, is this the beginning of the end? Is this the first of many infections?
Probably not....only God knows.
Have you seen read Carroll's Alice in Wonderland? I love this book. I know you know the story. You probably have at least seen Disney's version.
But did you see the one with Johnny Depp playing The Mad Hatter? In the original The Mad Hatter isn't a big character. Depp's character is a hero.
I love The Mad Hatter. I love his tenacity, his way of thinking, his questioning (how is a raven like a writing desk), his living-in-the-moment, his joy, his sorrow, his love.
Maybe that is what this is about --we gotta live right now like the Mad Hatter having a tea party no matter what may happen tomorrow. I'd rather have "what-ifs" in the future than "what-ifs" in the past.
Have you ever used a spatula to push cereal into a bowl? I did that this morning.
Have you ever written a funny poem?
Fat little piggies fly
Over treetops in the sky
I ought to write one about the spatula. Hmmm.....
thank you dear
Well, I can't think of anymore. Feel free to finish it.
Don't worry. Be content.
"God is good,
a hiding place in tough times.
He recognizes and welcomes
anyone looking for help,
No matter how desperate the trouble." Nahum 1:7