I sometimes think we all are in an endless conversation with ourselves and God. Things come into our minds. They plant seeds. We forget about them. The next day we read something and what we had forgotten about comes back to mind and tweaks our perspective on what we are now thinking about. And then the next day it happens again. And on and on and on.
Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should have written that I am in an endless conversation with myself and God (and sometimes with my husband too -- I'll continue a conversation we never finished and he'll know what I'm talking about -- I guess he knows me well). When I pray for others I pray for Hawken's healing too. I pray for it with him. And he smiles. We've been praying for his healing since he was arm-sized. I'd be a liar if I said God hasn't healed. He has. He's brought a bit of healing. Hawk smiles more now at the age of 19 then he ever did 10 years ago. His eye contact is good. He can tell me when he needs changing with noises. He helps me when I dress him by pushing his legs through his jeans and lifting his arms so I can apply deodorant. These are all relatively new skills for him. And he's aware, very aware. I believe he's brilliant. So do others. You can see intelligence in his eyes.
But when I pray for his healing I am praying God heals him from all the seizures and gets him to leap and dance and sing. I pray for total healing. God knows this is what I'm asking for. And I know He can do it. For some reason He doesn't.
Yesterday I read in John 15:16, "You did not choose Me, but I chose you, and appointed you, that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He may give to you."
My questions about healing came to mind. Maybe if I produce tons and tons of spiritual fruit I'll be able to ask for Hawk's healing and it will be done, I thought. I sat for several minutes trying to figure this out. Trying to figure out what I actually had to do to get this prayer answered the way I want it answered.
Finally I read it to Shannon and asked him about it. He sat for a while. He then said, "I don't think that's how it works." And then he said he thought Jesus was referring to asking for spiritual fruit in our lives. When he said that I deflated inside because I think he's right.
Yes, Jesus said, "that whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He may give to you."
But there has to be context. He isn't going to give us whatever we ask. He isn't going to give us anything that goes against His commandments. He isn't going to give us anything that hurts us. He isn't going to give us anything that we will spend on our selfish desires. He isn't going to give us something that isn't going to glorify God.
Earlier in the same chapter in verses 7 and 8, Jesus says, "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you. By this is My Father glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples."
If I live in Jesus and if His words live in me. If that is true that would mean I want to do Jesus' work; live like Jesus.
In John 17:4 Jesus says, "I glorified Thee (Father God) on the arth, having accomplished the work which Thou hast given Me to do."
Again it gets back to glorifiying God.
(Now God isn't an egomaniac. Glorifying Him means we praise Him and everything is put in right perspective then. He's the Father. We're meant to be His children.)
And I had to wonder, how best will Hawken glorify God?
I don't know the anwer to that. I know as his mother I wish I could see him do typical 19 year old things -- like go on a date; drive a car; have a job; pursue a dream -- be outrageously happy. I long to hear his voice, to hear him sing; to see him jump for joy.
But I am not Hawken's creator. I don't know why God created Hawken the way He did. Why can't He walk? Why can't He talk? Why does he have endless seizures?
I can tell you this: since he needs constant care that meant that I am with him most all the time. That's obvious. But what isn't obvious is that Hawk has taken care of me throughout his life. I deal with mental health issues, and in times when I've gotten really, really low, knowing Hawk needs me for everyting has kept me doing doing what I am called to do. He has such peace and contentment inside him. He sits with me and keeps me company. Yes, I take care of him physically, but emotionally, it's a toss up who takes care of who.
What kind of life is it for a 19 year old to stay home with his mom all the time? I don't know. I do know he's happy. He's content. He's loved and he knows it. He has a purpose.
Sunday, during his sermon, Shannon talked about there being a world-wide poverty of love. This is so true. Think of all the people who are seeking to be loved; seeking to be accepted. Hawk's got that wholly. And again, he knows it.
And I also realized in a way I was trying to figure out how to get God to do what I wanted Him to do. That's called manipulation. Thankfully God isn't offended by our wrong actions. I need to come to prayer just to be in conversation wtih Father God. Are we asking God for things without bothering to really spend time with Him? Prayer is about spending time with Him. Getting the things we want should come after that (or it's just like aduilt kids calling you just when they want something -- you're happy to hear them until you realize they don't have time for you. They just need something from you).
Forgive me if I've written about all this before. Truly I don't think about it all the time. Just sometimes. Like a forgotten itch that is suddenly itchy again.
Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should have written that I am in an endless conversation with myself and God (and sometimes with my husband too -- I'll continue a conversation we never finished and he'll know what I'm talking about -- I guess he knows me well). When I pray for others I pray for Hawken's healing too. I pray for it with him. And he smiles. We've been praying for his healing since he was arm-sized. I'd be a liar if I said God hasn't healed. He has. He's brought a bit of healing. Hawk smiles more now at the age of 19 then he ever did 10 years ago. His eye contact is good. He can tell me when he needs changing with noises. He helps me when I dress him by pushing his legs through his jeans and lifting his arms so I can apply deodorant. These are all relatively new skills for him. And he's aware, very aware. I believe he's brilliant. So do others. You can see intelligence in his eyes.
But when I pray for his healing I am praying God heals him from all the seizures and gets him to leap and dance and sing. I pray for total healing. God knows this is what I'm asking for. And I know He can do it. For some reason He doesn't.
Yesterday I read in John 15:16, "You did not choose Me, but I chose you, and appointed you, that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He may give to you."
My questions about healing came to mind. Maybe if I produce tons and tons of spiritual fruit I'll be able to ask for Hawk's healing and it will be done, I thought. I sat for several minutes trying to figure this out. Trying to figure out what I actually had to do to get this prayer answered the way I want it answered.
Finally I read it to Shannon and asked him about it. He sat for a while. He then said, "I don't think that's how it works." And then he said he thought Jesus was referring to asking for spiritual fruit in our lives. When he said that I deflated inside because I think he's right.
Yes, Jesus said, "that whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He may give to you."
But there has to be context. He isn't going to give us whatever we ask. He isn't going to give us anything that goes against His commandments. He isn't going to give us anything that hurts us. He isn't going to give us anything that we will spend on our selfish desires. He isn't going to give us something that isn't going to glorify God.
Earlier in the same chapter in verses 7 and 8, Jesus says, "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you. By this is My Father glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples."
If I live in Jesus and if His words live in me. If that is true that would mean I want to do Jesus' work; live like Jesus.
In John 17:4 Jesus says, "I glorified Thee (Father God) on the arth, having accomplished the work which Thou hast given Me to do."
Again it gets back to glorifiying God.
(Now God isn't an egomaniac. Glorifying Him means we praise Him and everything is put in right perspective then. He's the Father. We're meant to be His children.)
And I had to wonder, how best will Hawken glorify God?
I don't know the anwer to that. I know as his mother I wish I could see him do typical 19 year old things -- like go on a date; drive a car; have a job; pursue a dream -- be outrageously happy. I long to hear his voice, to hear him sing; to see him jump for joy.
But I am not Hawken's creator. I don't know why God created Hawken the way He did. Why can't He walk? Why can't He talk? Why does he have endless seizures?
I can tell you this: since he needs constant care that meant that I am with him most all the time. That's obvious. But what isn't obvious is that Hawk has taken care of me throughout his life. I deal with mental health issues, and in times when I've gotten really, really low, knowing Hawk needs me for everyting has kept me doing doing what I am called to do. He has such peace and contentment inside him. He sits with me and keeps me company. Yes, I take care of him physically, but emotionally, it's a toss up who takes care of who.
What kind of life is it for a 19 year old to stay home with his mom all the time? I don't know. I do know he's happy. He's content. He's loved and he knows it. He has a purpose.
Sunday, during his sermon, Shannon talked about there being a world-wide poverty of love. This is so true. Think of all the people who are seeking to be loved; seeking to be accepted. Hawk's got that wholly. And again, he knows it.
And I also realized in a way I was trying to figure out how to get God to do what I wanted Him to do. That's called manipulation. Thankfully God isn't offended by our wrong actions. I need to come to prayer just to be in conversation wtih Father God. Are we asking God for things without bothering to really spend time with Him? Prayer is about spending time with Him. Getting the things we want should come after that (or it's just like aduilt kids calling you just when they want something -- you're happy to hear them until you realize they don't have time for you. They just need something from you).
Forgive me if I've written about all this before. Truly I don't think about it all the time. Just sometimes. Like a forgotten itch that is suddenly itchy again.
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